


You Know You Love Me

by ChatterChick



Category: Gossip Girl, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crossover, F/M, HP: EWE, Humor, Parody, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3838207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChatterChick/pseuds/ChatterChick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've offering you a look into the scandalous lives of the pure-blood elite. Inspired by the Gossip Girl novels / TV show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure where this is going, I'm mostly just messing around with the characters. It's AU, since it's not fun making fun of dead, gravely injured or grieving characters. I also didn't come up with the ship names, those are from the fandom.

Hello Magicals.

School's out, and not just for the summer. Now that NEWTs are in and Hogwarts is out, your most recent class is about to enter the real world. Watch out Magical Britain! For some, that will mean applying to the coveted few spots at the Ministry and St Mungo's and hoping your NEWT results outweigh your common, muggle name. Not that it will, trust me, I'm in the know.

So just how do I know?

Well, I'm ChatterChick, but that's about as much as you'll ever get from me. Don't worry though, I have no problems sharing the rest of my secrets. I'm one of the lucky few, one of magical Britain's pure-blood elite. I was born to the right family, with the right blood and a silver goblin spoon in my mouth. We don't need to find jobs, jobs find us. It's not like anyone at the ministry would trust a top position to some no-name half-blood or even worse, a _muggle-born_. No wonder H looks like such a frizzy, stressed mess all of the time. And not even a hot mess.

Anyway, I've gotten a little off-topic. The point of this column is to be your guide into the scandalous lives of our society's upper class. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. After all, how will the poor paupers of our world ever keep up when our dirty laundry is hidden so well by our house-elves?

Yes, even mine. I can't exactly afford to let my public persona fade into the depths of obscurity.

Although trust me, that's the only thing I can't afford.

So with our upper tiers no longer forced to rub shoulders with the unwashed masses at Hogwarts, how ever will the common witch or wizard keep up with us? I've been struck by a sudden generosity and decided I would tell you all in this column Witch Weekly so happened to offer me. I won't give you the details of how that offer came about, but rest assured, it's a personal favour to a family friend.

It's not like I need a  _job_.

Every week, I'll fill you in on everything's that happened in my world. Or as much as I can cram into a mere page. I'd need novels if I planned to tell you  _everything_. And I might just keep the odd thing to myself. Every good Slytherin knows you need to keep a few secrets to keep certain people in place.

Now time for the part my readers have really been waiting for. Updates on your favourite pure-blood socialites.

P's been spotted setting everything D ever gave her in a huge bonfire at her family manor. Tsk tsk, P, didn't your mummy ever teach you not to play with  _fiendfyre_? Or maybe that's where you learned it from. Word has it that her darling prince D dumped her the moment they walked off the Hogwarts Express. No surprise there, anyone could have told you that relationship would be over faster than vulture hats once Mama N got her way. D's such a Mama's boy too, so you know her opinion counts. But perhaps D had another reason for ending the relationship? Sources tell me that he's been seen having coffee with Little A, the pair hiding out in muggle London.

I'd be horrified if I wasn't so intrigued. Is D trying to hide his new girlfriend from his old one?

Whoops. Kneazle's out of the bag now. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. P's got a nasty temper and I bet she's just itching to hex that wizard-stealing harpy. You better watch your back, Little A.

It does make me wonder about her though. Little A has enjoyed a certain amount of anonymity up until now. All that's about to change of course. You don't get to date the most eligible wizard of our generation without all your dirty little secrets coming to light. Starting with her older sister, Double D. Now there's one to shame the family.

I heard there hasn't been a witch, wizard or muggle she hasn't hooked up with. It's a wonder anyone would still touch her, but clearly someone wants her. These days she's spotted with a lovely custom-designed goblin ring on her finger. Isn't that engagement a little fast, love? This isn't our parents' generation you know, you can wait a few years. Unless there's reason to hurry? Robes getting a little tight around the middle? Or maybe Mummy and Daddy got tired of all your embarrassments to their good family name. Don't worry, I certainly haven't gotten tired of you embarrassing yourself yet.

I don't want to waste too much time on those witches though. I bet my readers are much more interested checking in on our dashing pure-blood princes.

T's been looking a little down this summer. He's been keeping to himself and even avoiding his closest friends. I've only spied him from afar, looking sullen after a meeting with the goblins. Cheer up T, with Daddy in Azkaban you're now the sole heir to your family fortune. If that isn't enough, I'm sure you'll have plenty of witches to keep you company in that big, lonely manor. I know I wouldn't mind.

And then there's B. He's looking a little sulky as he's forced to bond with his mother's latest beau. Oh B, you should know by now they never last long. Maybe you'll like Number 9 better.

Now, what can I report on D that hasn't been said a thousand times in the press already? Well, surprisingly tons. I happen to have exclusive access behind closed doors. Rumour has it that D's entire family got off with only a tap on their wrist from the new Minister for Magic. Although very few know the reason why. It just so happens that I'm one of the few. It seems that HP himself spoke in their defence. I'm just _dying_  to know what exactly went on at the Battle of Hogwarts between them. A little moment of bonding perhaps? Did enemies become friends? Did D switch sides? The unknown is killing me here.

But don't worry, I'm working on it.

As soon as I know, you'll be the next.

You know you love me,

xoxo, CC

 


	2. Chapter 2

Hello Magicals.

You do realize this is a gossip column about the pure-blood  _elite_ , not pure-blood  _trash_?

And that's putting it kindly.

I've received a flock of owls, all with letters asking for updates on HP, H and King W. Look, I know some select few are enjoying a spot in the wand-light at the moment, but it's not going to last forever. The rags that print their names won't even be fit for cleaning a hippogriff stall in a few weeks. Merlin, you kill  _one_  Dark Lord and suddenly the entire wizarding world thinks you're some sort of celebrity.

However, since you asked so nicely.

HP has been spotted getting cosy with G at a Holyhead Harpies match. Having one wizard out for your blood would have been enough for most normal people, now he's going to have six. HP clearly has a death wish. Someone please grant it already. Meanwhile, H and King W have been seen around popular locations such as Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade Village on what appears to be a series of  _dates_. It is my duty to inform the public that their displays of affection are enough to petrify a basilisk from horror. I'm still recovering from seeing King W wipe ice cream off of H's nose. Please proceed with caution. Do NOT look at them.

Now, back to the usual column.

Double D's been seen out with her fiancée, M. He's trying to be impressive? Or useful? Anyway, M's carrying her shopping bags around. Guess his troll blood has come in useful after all. Tragically, their fine magical education has been lost on the pair of them. Darling, you're a  _witch_ , there's no reason to ever be seen with  _that_  in public.

Speaking of possible troll blood, Dumb and Dumber have been released from the pound and need to be adopted by a firm, but kind pure-blood alpha witch or wizard. They make loyal companions, can perform some basic tricks and I  _think_  D had them house-trained. It would be a crime to separate them, so I'm trying to give them away as a set. Please send applications by owl to yours truly.

The main event this week was, of course, the garden party B's mother threw at Husband Four's manor. Or was it Husband Five? It's so difficult to keep track. It's always fun seeing all our favourite pure-bloods in one location. The only noticeable absentee was T, who's making our former potions professor look downright cheerful these days.

Forced to attend his mother's party was B. I don't think he really minded much, B's always been the type to stop and admire the roses (along with the lilies, pansies, daisies and every other pretty flower). This year he seems to have acquired a taste for lavenders. I'm sure they'll be everywhere for a few weeks, until B eventually tires of them.

This was the first time that D and Little A made a public appearance together. Or at least, they made a public appearance where it counts. I'm sure Mama N and Papa L are relieved D's out of muggle London and no longer at risk of picking up diseases at any rate. Little A gets the nod of approval from Mama N; she's blonde, pure-blooded and Slytherin. Clearly there is a check list of requirements for D's future wife. This appearance really only confirmed what I have known for weeks. S.S. Snitch and Bitch has sunk while S.S. Stellar Legends has left the harbour. Bon voyage Little A and D!

P's shriek of jealous rage was enough to make a banshee cry. Fortunately good breeding paid off in her case, and she didn't make too much of a scene. Little A looked victorious, beheading some of the pansies as she walked around the gardens hand-in-hand with D. Enjoy your victory while you can, Little A.

While these ladies are both pure-blood princesses, everyone knows a monarchy has room for only  _one_  Queen. What better way to secure the crown than by marrying into the royal family itself? I think blood will be shed before we have a new queen. Of course, I'll be waiting to report when it happens.

You Know You Love Me,

xoxo, CC


End file.
